There’s a loud nagging voice in my head that is constantly berating me for not posting more consistently on my blog, on social media, and for not being intentional when it comes to my “online presence”. The voice in my head tells me “you are more than a pregnant mom to be, why can’t you be more intentional about the mission God has placed you on?”
I’ve just recently, and by recent I mean this morning, had this realization that I am being intentional on the other missions God has placed me on. Those missions being motherhood and marriage. I get so annoyed and frustrated with myself lately that my brain is foggy and I can’t focus on anything other than researching baby things for any length of time. I feel inadequate, like I’m already missing so much of my pre-motherhood self. But with the realization that “pregnancy brain” is a very real thing and learning that it doesn’t really get better but instead takes on a different name, “mom brain”, has helped me to realize that I’ve already said goodbye to some parts of my pre-parent life. The ability to think sharp and clearly being one of them.
I was recently at a social function and naturally, everyone’s first question or subject to talk about was about my pregnancy: how am I feeling, how far I am now, does the baby have a name, have we finished the nursery yet, etc. And I get it, babies are fascinating and exciting news and my husband and I are happy to share in this life change with our friends and family. But as I sat at a table with some friends who don’t have kids yet, and don’t necessarily want them in the near future, I caught myself thinking “oh my gosh I wish we could have a conversation about something other than pregnancy… I bet they do too. Oh no! What if I’m annoying them with all of this pregnancy talk?” So I tried my best to shift the conversation to other topics. And for just a moment, I wasn’t just a pregnant wife, I was a person with other interests able to be silly and laugh with some friends. It was refreshing.
But I say all of this because I am trying to give myself grace for being so “baby focused” all the time. I think that the pregnancy brain is meant to keep us focused on this big change about to happen in life. Someone told me that our brains work slower when we’re pregnant because if we are constantly thinking of our never ending to-do lists, then it makes it harder to bond with and prepare for baby. I don’t know how scientific that is, to be honest, but it made me feel better when I heard it. We, as expecting mothers, become obsessed with all things baby because we want to make sure we bring our babies into a safe environment for them to develop and thrive in! We are bonding with our babies and saying goodbye to our lives of being able to do whatever we want, whenever we want. And to be honest, preparing for that is incredibly hard.
So I’m giving myself grace. I’m saying it’s okay if I am falling behind on my emails. It’s okay if I have taken too long to get a post out. It’s okay if I have typos (okay maybe that one is not okay… someone help me proofread!). But seriously, it’s okay to not be “on” all the time. To take a step back from the digital world and soak in the memories of being pregnant, growing a human, and preparing for her arrival. I mean I am so stoked and have been waiting for this day for so long. It’s okay if the majority of my conversations revolve around her. And truth be told, they will probably revolve around her for the rest of my life, am I right?
It’s easy to get frustrated that I’m not just Caylee anymore. Than I am not just a Christian woman on mission for Christ, but I am a wife, a mother-to-be, on a mission for Christ. My family is my first mission field, and you my sweet and amazing reader, are my second. With that being said, I have about 10 unfinished posts sitting here in draft and I am doing my best to stay motivated and get that content out for you. Be patient with this foggy mom brain of mine. Thank you for giving me grace in this time of growth and transition.
PS- Here are some more Bump Photos because I just love watching my sweet Anna Grace Grow!